


i’ve grown tired of this body

by orphan_account



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, M/M, Other, Slurs, Trans Duck Newton, Transitioning, Transphobia, deadnaming, i’ve experienced a bunch of the stuff in this, jane is really good too!, juno is really great and i made her vital in this, mrs. newton sucks and is really harsh, this is a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 00:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20321902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Duck slowly becomes himself more and more over the course of his senior year of high school.OrA vent fanfic I did because I’m dealing with a lot of emotional issues and this was the best way for me to deal with it.





	i’ve grown tired of this body

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so just a quick disclaimer. I’ve experienced a bunch of stuff I put in this, so uh it’s basically just me venting.  
TW: Transphobia, Homophobia, Lesbian Slurs (only once but I gotta make sure), Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Deadnaming  
look at the tags if I missed anything

A seventeen year old Duck Newton stared at his own reflection, devoid of emotion. His eyes were scarily blank, dragging themselves begrudgingly over his form.

He ran a hand through his shoulder length hair, knotting it around his fingers and taking a deep, shaky sigh. He grabbed the scissors his mom often used to cut his sister’s hair and his own, raising them near his locks.

_This is it_, _Duck_, he thought, his hands shaking slightly, _this is the moment where you say fuck it_.

As he slowly closed the scissors down, Jane’s voice called through the door, “Hey, Duck, mama’s friends are over, she wants you to come say hi.”

Duck sighed and shut his eyes tightly, an all too wrong voice squeaking out, “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute.” He put the scissors back in the bathroom cabinet and got ready to put his perfect daughter persona back on.

When he got downstairs, the group of middle aged women greeted him kindly, bombarding him with questions about school or his friends.

It was going fine until one of his mother’s friends, Sue, piped up, “_Dorothy_, have you started learning to drive yet?”

Duck hesitated, “Um, no m’am, Mr. Dannon from Monongahela said he’d give me a lesson once I got my permit. Also, I prefer Duck, if you don’t mind.”

Duck’s mother gave him a somewhat livid look, from the kitchen, where her friends couldn’t see. Sue gave a kind smile, but there was something akin to malice behind it, “Alright, _sweetie_.”

* * *

A month later, Duck was clothes shopping with his mother, trying to avoid going over to see what she was looking at. His mother was browsing the teen girl’s clothes section while he stood by, looking enviously at a display for guy’s graphic tees.

He spotted a t-shirt with a graffiti-esque styled skateboard on it and picked it up, admiring the design.

His mother turned around, and shut her eyes tightly, angrily ripping the shirt from beneath his hand and throwing it back on the pile of other graphic tees, “Dorothy Newton, this is a boy’s shirt. I will not have my daughter paradin’ around town like a hooligan in boy’s clothes looking like a _dyke_.”

Duck felt like he had just gotten all the wind knocked out of him, his voice coming out small, “Sorry, mom, didn’ mean to make you upset.” His mother, an scowl still on her face, forced a fitted t shirt into his hands, “Go try this on.”

Duck cried in the dressing room briefly before coming out to show his mother the top.

* * *

Two months later, Duck Newton and Juno Devine were walking in the forest, boots crunching against a mixture of leaves and twigs. It was chilly out, the cold nipping at their noses, but it wasn’t unbearable.

“I just don’t understand,” Juno huffed, shoving her hands in her pockets.

Duck, dragging a branch in the dirt as they walked, didn’t bother to look at her, “‘Bout what?”

“Kelsey’s mom still doesn’t accept that we’re dating. Every time I’m over she acts like I’m not even there. Or, when she does acknowledge me, she makes a point of calling me her ‘friend’.”

Duck sighed, feeling a twinge of sympathy for his friend, “I’m sorry, Juno, that sucks. At least your parents are cool with it though.”

Juno nodded, “Yeah, I’m lucky. Hey, Duck, to be honest I’m pretty surprised you aren’t into girls.”

Duck felt his cheeks heat up, looking down, “Why’s that?”

“Well, not to be stereotypical, but you’re not really a typical straight girl,” Juno joked lightly, giving him a friendly smile.

Duck rolled his eyes and huffed, “wow, thanks Juno.” He dropped the branch, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and narrowing his eyes slightly, “Hey, if I tell you somethin’, you promise not to tell everyone else?”

”Of course,” Juno nodded, eyeing him curiously. Duck felt his eyes get hot as tears pricked them, “I don’t feel like a girl.”

Juno was confused for a minute, then nodded, “You’re trans.”

Duck glanced at her and gripped the inside of his pockets, letting tears fall down his face, “I’ve been mullin’ it over for months. Heck, I’ve known for years, Juno. I never feel comfortable with myself. I-I look at my body and I know it’s my body, it just feels wrong. It doesn’t really feel like me.”

Juno wrapped an arm around him, pulling him into a hug. “Hey, it’s gonna be alright. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me. Maybe I can order you a binder. Or help you cut your hair? I don’t know, I’ve seen minimal stuff about trans people, but I wanna help.”

Duck, while usually not really one for physical affection, gave into the hug, burying his face in her shoulder, “Thanks, Juno.”

* * *

Three months later, Duck was in the car with Mr. Rick Dannon and Juno, getting ready for one of their weekly driving lessons in the high school parking lot.

He had started secretly binding when he was out of the house using sports bras, and much to his mother’s dismay, Juno had cut his hair short.Even though it was May, he was often found clad in sweatpants and sweatshirts, hiding his body.

“Aight Duck, whenever you’re ready. Juno, you can go next, Duck’s been doin’ better at parkin’ than you anyways so I figured she’d be quicker,” Mr. Dannon said, as Duck adjusted the rearview mirror slightly.

Duck nodded and put his hand on the gear shift, pausing a moment, “Hey, Mr. Dannon?”

“Just Rick is fine, kid,” Mr. Dannon smiled, “Or Danimal, that’s what the guys at work call me.”

Duck nervously glanced at him, “I know you’re one of the more…liberal…people in town, so…would you mind usin’ he/him pronouns for me?”

Mr. Dannon shrugged and gave him a kind smile, “O’course not kid, doesn’t make a difference to me. Aight, now are we gonna get drivin’ so Miss Juno gets a chance now or what?”

Juno was smiling big in the back seat. Duck had a similar grin on his face as he pulled out of their parking spot and began to cruise down the empty lot.

* * *

A couple weeks later, Duck came out to a small group of his friends from school that he often played hockey or smoked weed with in the abandoned retail store.

The majority couldn’t have cared less, they simply invited him to talk about it whenever he needed to, and agreed that they would use new pronouns for him.

However, after pretty much everyone had left, including Juno, Duck was left alone with a girl named Veronica. Duck looked at her as he slid his jacket on, “I’ll walk you home if you want, it’s not too far from my place.”

Veronica politely shook her head, looking down, “No, it’s alright. Hey, Duck, can I ask you a question?”

Duck nodded.

“Are you sure about all of that? You wanting to be a boy and all? It just…doesn’t seem natural, y’know?” Veronica looked worried.

Duck’s shoulders stiffened a bit and he mumbled, “Yeah, yeah I’m sure. I’m gonna head home. See you around.”

Veronica grabbed Duck’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “It’s just that…well, Duck, I like you. And I don’t think I can like you if you’re a guy.”

Duck stared at her for a minute, unsure of what to say, “Look, Ronnie, I’m real sorry, but I just don’ like you like that.” Duck felt a mix of guilt and betrayal settle in his stomach, festering, like something dark and unpleasant.

Veronica let go of his hand and quickly walked out of the store, shoving her hands in her coat pockets.

Duck dragged a hand across his face, feeling tears fill his eyes.

* * *

Four months later, Duck was holed up in his room, hiding from the world. Holiday break had hit him hard. His dysphoria had been awful for an entire week.

He couldn’t get dressed to go out, he had to force himself to shower every other day (with the lights off), and his only solace was getting high in his bedroom when his parents weren’t home. He felt disgusting and awful, to put it bluntly.

Jane, being a good sister, tried to cheer him up. She’d come into his room showing him things she had been working on—collecting cool rocks, scrapbooking dog pictures, badly drawing funny pictures of cartoon characters.

Duck was sitting on his bed one night with Jane, helping her put together a scrapbook with pictures of trees. She’d glue them on the pages and sprinkle glitter on the edges while he wrote down interesting facts about them. She called him a nerd when he did that.

His mother opened the door to his room, and looked at Jane, sighing, “Jane, give us a minute to talk.” Jane nodded, walking out of his room.

His mom sat on the edge of his bed and looked at him. “Dorothy, you can’t keep livin’ like this. I’m glad you’re spendin’ some quality girl time with your sister, but you don’t even go out. It’s a break from school. You should be goin’ to the mall, meeting cute boys. Not wallowin’ in your own self pity like a slob.”

Duck fiddled with the corners of the scrapbook, mumbling, “Yeah, mom, I know.”

“Don’t just yes me to death, Dorothy. I’m worried about you,” His mom looked at him with concern.

Duck still wouldn’t make eye contact. “Yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll go out more.”

* * *

Six months later, Duck was sitting on the floor of their living room in old shorts and an oversized t-shirt he had stolen from his dad’s old closet, playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater on their PlayStation.

He was getting more used to peers using his chosen name and correct pronouns, and wasn’t doing too bad mentally, besides the occasional awkward interaction with Veronica.

He heard the doorknob jiggle, and quickly turned around, alert. He was greeted with his little sister, her face puffy and red and her eyes teary. She walked in and collapsed on the couch, sniffing, “I just punched Mark Davis in the face.”

Duck, concerned yet surprised, wasn’t really sure how to react. “Uh, I’m guessin’ he did somethin’ to deserve it?”

Jane rubbed her eyes, “He tried to lift up my skirt.”

The corner of Duck’s lips settled into a frown, “Wanna go out for pizza to cheer you up?”

Jane glanced at him, shrugging, “I guess so.”

As Duck got their pizza, Jane found them a table. They sat across from each other.

“You did the right thing.”

Jane looked up from her pizza, confused, “I did? I hurt him though. Mom’d be mad at me.”

“Yeah but he did something first. Don’t get me wrong, violence ain’t always the answer, but he was tryin’ to do something fuckin’ gross and it wasn’t right,” Duck cleared his throat, awkwardly, “So yeah, good job.”

Jane gave him a small smile, “Thanks, Duck.”

Duck shook his head, “Nah, don’t thank me. I shoulda told you all this by now.” Duck took a short pause, “Y’know, speakin’ of things I shoulda told ya, um…”

Jane’s eyebrows furrowed, “Yeah?”

Duck stared down at his half eaten pizza, suddenly not feeling very hungry, “I don’t know how much you know about this, but uhh…I’m transgender. I…I’m a guy.”

Jane started to cry softly, a shocked look on her face, and reached over, pulling him into a hug. Duck hesitantly hugged her back, “I-Is that okay with you…?”

Jane nodded and rubbed her eyes, “Sorry I just…” She took a breath, “It’s a lot to take in. But you’re still my…brother no matter what, Duck.”

Duck smiled, letting a couple tears slide down his face, feeling overwhelmed with both joy and anxiety. “Thanks, Janey.”

* * *

A week later, he met Juno at her house and used all of his savings and some money donated by Juno to purchase a chest binder. He hid it by stuffing it under his mattress and often waited for when he was away from his parents to wear it.

Things only went bad months after this event, when he was changing into his binder in his room, and his mom walked in, holding a basket of laundry.

Duck, not expecting his mother to be home, quickly grabbed his shirt and put it on, but he knew she had seen. There was a couple moments of silence, tension between them. It wasn’t awkwardness, it was something akin to shock.

Then, his mother burst into tears, covering her mouth. “What is that? Take it off,” her voice shook as she spoke, “Dorothy, why are you doin’ this to me?”

Duck was speechless. He was frozen in place, panic rising in his chest.

“Answer me!” Duck’s mom shrieked, tears pouring down her face, “Why do you insist on dressin’ like a boy? Why did you cut your hair? Where did my daughter go?”

Duck felt his eyes begin to water, and he choked out, “Mom, I…”

“You what? You want to be a boy? You are not a boy, Dorothy! You are my daughter!” Duck’s mother stomped out of the room, shutting the door loudly behind her.

Duck curled up on his bed and buried his face in his pillow, barely able to breathe. He sobbed with the force of someone violently vomiting, digging his fingers into his scalp.

Duck stayed like that for a while, struggling to bring himself to be calm. He eventually passed out from being overwhelmed.

The next couple of days were hell. His mother didn’t talk to him, and he didn’t talk to her. He hardly left his room at all, only to use the bathroom. He couldn’t bring himself to eat. Jane tried to bring him food sometimes or cheer him up, but he just politely refused.

He was sitting on his bed one night when his father walked in, and took a seat on the end of his bed, “Dorothy, I can’t say I understand what you’re going through but…your mother and I love you so much. You know that, right? We just want what’s best for you. We just want what’s best for our _daughter_.”

Duck got up and grabbed his jacket, not really caring what state he was in. “I’m going to Juno’s to sleep over. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Duck made the walk to his friend’s house, crying the whole way. He rang the doorbell, trying to clean himself up a bit while he waited for someone to answer. Luckily for him, Juno did.

She looked concerned, wrapping an arm around him and guiding him inside, “I’ve been tryin’ to call you. I was actually just about to leave to go to your house, I thought somethin’ bad had happened. Unless somethin’ bad…did happen.”

Duck sighed, rubbing his eyes, “Yeah, Juno, somethin’ real nasty did happen.”

He relayed the entire story to her, letting her make him hot chocolate and hold him as he cried.

His binder was gone when he got home.

* * *

By the end of March, Duck was pretty sure he was going crazy.

He had begun having weird dreams, which is saying something because a lot of dreams are weird.

Finally, on his birthday, he had his first interaction with Minerva. Minerva, who called him Duck and addressed him as a boy.

Sure, he wasn’t exactly happy about being visited by a ghost and being called a ‘chosen’, but he did feel good about being recognized as who he was.

Maybe one day he would be recognized by most, if not all people for who he really was. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - feel free to comment with constructive criticism and such as this is my first thing I’m writing besides school essays.  
[I made a small edit bc I learned how to use page dividers]


End file.
